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It's been a hot, rainy summer, so far. Some good things, some bad things.

I cut a ton of branches from my shrubs and trees, mulched them, and made a mulch path from the front of the house to link up with the side path, which is now completely overrun with strawberry plants. I need to weed and maintain the landscape borders, but the weather is not cooperating. I either have to wear clothes that completely cover me so I can spray myself down with Deep Woods OFF, or I have to wear clothes that won't get too stifling in the heat and slather on the sunblock. They have yet to make a good hybrid, and Skin So Soft doesn't work for me. I have Wednesday off, so I might go out early and hose myself down with mosquito and chigger spray and just knock it out.

Things are going better at work. There were some ups and downs. I was acting supervisor last week and managed to weather several administrative emergencies and a few facility issues. I'd rather learn how to get through that stuff sooner rather than later.

What really has been weighing on my mind, and what finally forced me to open up LiveJournal and write, is the massacre of nine people in a church in Charleston. It happened mid-last week, and I have never felt so ready to grab a weapon and join an army to knock this racist system to the ground. It took until today before I could cry about it, up until now I've been just angry and full of restless energy. Today, I feel hollow and just sad. I can be a thorn in the side of anyone who exhibits racist behavior around me, I can boost messages on social media, I can say I stand with my Black brothers and sisters. If enough of us did this, could we make a change? I'm really at the point now where I feel like silence in the face of this is assent, I don't want to hear the excuse that my white friends give of being overwhelmed by the bad news. These racists aren't dying out. That murderer was 21 years old. I could have given birth to him.

Truth is, sometimes Thing 2 says things that fly in the face of what we've taught him, and I get a flash of fear that he could do something similar. If anyone ever wonders why I will not allow my children to have computers in their room or use a computer anywhere but at the library, it's because in our progressive, pro-equality house, my youngest son will insist that there are such things as reverse racism and reverse sexism. We have fed this next generation the lie that we are post-racial. I dig deep to draw my son out and ask why he comes to these conclusions and he either has put it together from his limited experience or replies that he hears things from kids at school or online. I can usually walk him through critical thinking exercises and help him understand the topics better, but I'm not around him all the time and right now he accepts what he hears from his peers over what I say. Thing 2 is a withdrawn, skinny, loner white kid who's obsessed with weapons and has all kinds of ideas in his head about how the world works. He walks cloaked in privilege, while similar kids his age have had to learn early how to navigate a world that doesn't want them there. And of course, it's the white kid that complains the loudest about feeling put-upon.

I don't like to refer to myself as White. I have always been embarrassed by the way Whites acted, and my upbringing made me feel more a part of Mexican and Black culture. I have portioned out my White heritage by specific country and clung to the "descendant of Native Americans" part of myself, all <10% of it, for way too long in an effort to not lump myself in with problematic White people, but I walk through my life with nobody knowing. I am at least 90% White, my Ojibwe grandma is dead, and it's time to own the fact that some White guys see in me a valid and compelling reason to murder Black men and women. It sickens me.

I'm checking out local coalitions and would appreciate a heads-up about any I may not be aware of. I am currently terrified that people I love will die because some fucking bigot wants to kickstart a race war with their blood and does not see their humanity, only so much kindling. Any more, I feel like I already have blood on my hands. I don't want or need to be told that this isn't so. This is the mindset I must carry to push myself into uncomfortable spaces and do the work.

I'm getting ready to listen to the Marc Maron interview with President Obama. I'm glad that on a day like today, I don't have to work around people.




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sadinoel
Oct. 26th, 2015 09:28 pm (UTC)
I birthed a child of white-male-1% privilege. If he grows up to be a racist or a rapist, I will be pissed at my failure.
the_lucky_nun
Oct. 27th, 2015 06:13 pm (UTC)
And you'd have every right to be. He's come around since I wrote this, but it's a work in progress.

As far as blame goes, the approach I take is this: if I get to pat myself on the back for his accomplishments, then I have to own his fuck-ups. So I gave my kids ownership of both after a certain age.