Wow, I really didn't expect to have such a revelation last night, but a lot of things are becoming clear to me. The reason I resented Lisa for handing Nicole over to me wasn't because I thought she was a bad person. I was mad because she got to walk away and I didn't. I'm no better a mother than Lisa, really. She loves her kids as much as I do, she just couldn't relate to them until they grew up. I can't hate her for that.

I'm also having some insight on my mom's actions. January of 1975, she'd just been in a car wreck and broken her pelvis. She got pregnant with me a month later, and then I stayed in an extra four weeks until the middle of December. She must have been miserable. She was simply overwhelmed, and how she reacted wasn't good for any of us, but I think I know how she must have felt at times, the poor woman. I can't absolve her of putting herself before us, especially when we ended up being abused, but I understand a lot of the crying and not getting out of bed. It was an angry house and we kids fought constantly. I don't think she always meant to be cruel, I just think she should have never had kids. Being a parent made her sick and miserable.

I think that's enough "moments of astonishing clarity" for now.