It didn't happen.
With Dominic, the other main reason was this: Tony was four, and if he was ever going to have a brother or sister, the time was now, so they'd have a better chance of getting along.
That didn't happen, either.
I'm tired of making myself feel guilty for my lack of parental enthusiasm. I make the best of things, but the reality of parenting is not like the commercials and well-meaning relatives want you to believe. I resent people who pester their kids for grandchildren. They just want their kids to be as miserable as they, the parents, once were. I can't wait for my kids to grow up and leave. And the pisser is, that still won't be the end. I will continue to worry about them from afar, and hope they're okay. I will care about them until I die or become too senile to remember them. It's a terrifying and terrible thing to know.
I read this little parable not long ago, and it rang true:
A cow gave birth to a fire. She wanted to lick it, but it burned her. She wanted to leave it, but it was her child.
That's parenting. You've been warned because I care.
Profile
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
the_lucky_nun- goulash is a dish best served cold
- What You need To Know
Comments
what i do know, though, is that if we had the money and i had the energy, i'd have two or three more kids after this one.
nick and i had a discussion the other night that made me cry silently into my pillow. it's a lot to explain but what it boils down to is that it breaks my heart to know that i didn't marry someone who wants to procreate with me. it makes me feel bad about me, and makes me feel even worse for our kids. he didn't want kids, just knew i wanted them and went along with it for my sake.
marriage, procreating, raising kids, getting done whatever you want to do... none of it is easy and it's all kind of a delicate balance that nobody seems to ever get right.
Maybe that's why it's difficult for you, because you actually do care.
1.) "When you change your mind the procedure is not feasibly reversible." Yeah, no shit. That's why I want to do it.
2.) "But you don't have any other kids yet." That's because I *never wanted any.* Which is in line with my requesting to get tied up in knots.
3.) "But you would be such a wonderful mother!" This just slays me. How does a medical provider know what kind of parent I'd make after an hour meeting? She thought because I was white and middle-class looking that I should add to the masses of other white middle class idiots. I tried to look middle class so that they'd think I knew what I was talking about. I should have dyed my hair purple and pretended I was a junkie, then maybe I could have gotten shit done.
Regretting having children doesn't mean that you don't love your kids, nor does it mean that you arent doing a good job. It means exactly what you say...not everyone has the maternal love gene and why should they reproduce if they don't want to?
It sounds to me as if you're doing a fine job of parenting, especially as you're not saddled with an overactive maternal instinct. You shouldn't feel guilty - the ones that should feel guilty are the ones that profess to want kids and then don't look after them properly when they arrive.
We chose to have a child and while I love her more than I've loved anything ever, I never want to have another one.
Then again, I want someone to take care of me when I'm old. I look at the old people in my family. Who takes care of them? Their kids. Who do I look after? My parents. I'm not even the "good" kid. I made really, really bad choices and I hated them for most of my life. I blamed them. But now, I make sure their okay. And I want someone to make sure I'm okay.
Kids. I'd have them for selfish reasons. Like for more hands to bring in the harvest. Cooking and cleaning. Changing my diaper. Yelling at me for considering a reverse mortgage.